Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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