I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
