I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
