I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you had me at cake vodka
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
