saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
