Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
