alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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