so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
