I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
