I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
