she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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