ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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