my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
