glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
