i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
