you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
