i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Terrible idea I love it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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