he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
