Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
