also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
