Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
