I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
