I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
