Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
