I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We have so much sex to catch up on
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
