Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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