My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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