Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
