UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
