this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
