I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
