I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
