She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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