so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
