Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
