i was born a porn star she said
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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