i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my shit smells like andre
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
