STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
