Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
