The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
