Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
