im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
