update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
