I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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