Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
