i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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