i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
