i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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