just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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