I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
