You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
