My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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