I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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