She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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